Sunday did not go as I planned. We had my birthday party on Saturday and a few people stayed the night - which is fine, we don't mind. There is just one thing.. When I'm being nice enough to let people stay the night because they have no place else to go or would have to spend money on taxis to get home, I would expect them to respect me in my own home to not make shit loads of noise in the morning. It's fine if people get up early, but when I repeatedly told them the night before how tired I am and that Sunday is my only day off (only possible day to sleep in) - they should have tried to dial back the noise.
I had a long conversation with I a few hours after and we came to many conclusions - it was stupid of them to not think about respecting me in my home and it was stupid of me to get so angry about it and take that anger out on them. I should've been quiet and not said anything because as soon as I got angry, it stopped being about them doing something wrong and started being about me being angry. So the whole point was lost and everyone got frustrated.
I can't really blame people for that. I have so much against me. People can't understand why I might be angry about something so they just blow the whole thing off and call it 'Saara being Saara'. That is amazingly frustrating. Also, because they stayed in their pack after leaving my house, they automatically started talking about it amongst themselves, when it was meant to be between me and them.
I had this coming though. If I surround myself with people who aren't accustomed to talking about problems and not bitching about them or not talk about the problem at all and jump straight to the aftermath, then this is bound to happen at some point. I've tried to not say anything about anything nowadays but it doesn't seem to make a difference, because even if I say nothing for a year and then say one thing, it's like I haven't changed at all. Tricky tricky tricky.
Also my sister thinks I stay angry about things for a long time, when it's actually more like we never talk about any of our fights or problems or if someone crossed a line, so it's very hard to move past something when there is never any moment of apologizing or sorting the problem out. Something I'd love to do with her any time any day - but I don't think she feels the same way.
What a mess, the whole thing went from me being angry with them to them thinking I should fix what I have done. This whole thing could have been avoided if they would have let me sleep. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. No point in arguing about this anymore. What has happened has happened and it's in the past now. Hopefully all the people involved can understand what a mess my brain was on Sunday morning and how because of exhaustion I couldn't tell you nicely how much you hurt my feelings. I am sorry for my hurtful words, hopefully you can be equally sorry for your actions.
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